#anything else. it’s fucking garbage and it shows on so many fuckers on this website

[i-hear-a-sound]

leftism leaving peoples bodies the moment people with severe facial/bodily differences exist

[paradoxicalca]

(OC) Dundon DIYs the Hurricanes (An Alternate Reality)

(Previous parts of this series include: Re-Chiarelling the Oilers, Moneyballing the Sens, Covertly Tanking the Wild, and Frenchifying the Canadiens.)Part I"Okay losers listen up!"This wasn't the first time team owner Tom Dundon had greeted the Carolina Hurricanes' analytics department this way, but they did not know that this was the first time he had gotten the office number right on his first try. After a long season the marketing department and janitors were no longer taken aback by these frequent interruptions."I've just had a brilliant idea. No doubt we had a good season last year, couple sell outs, good shit all around. But we gotta bring it to the next level okay? Now answer this question: what sells in sports?"One brave analyst answered: "Winning?" "Superstars?" offered another.Dundon shook his head in disbelief. "What? No, sex, you nerds, ever have it? Sex sells. We've got eyeballs on these games now but to get people really caring about this team we need to get a full roster of real dimes. Handsome motherfuckers. What do hockey players call attractive people?"A pause."Sir, none of us have actually played hockey before.""I think the guys on Letterkenny call them rockets?"Dundon clapped and pointed at him. "Alright, there we go, we need more rockets in our locker room than fucking NASA." Then he turned around, kicked over a garbage can, and disappeared through the door.The analytics department wasted no time in devising algorithms and stats to quantify player attractiveness. Very quickly a vicious divide emerged between two measurements: the Cool or Rugged Sexiness Indicator (CORSI) and the Foxiness-Expressing Number which Indexes Cute Kings (FENWICK). It all came down to type and preference: CORSI adherents argued for strong, bearded, often Canadian players, while FENWICK fanatics extolled the virtues of prettier players, usually non-threatening Scandinavians. It was eventually acknowledged that these met at the Strapping, Handsome and Rather Pretty (SHARP) intersection, but nonetheless conflict still raged. After a day of furious debate it was decided that they would deliver Dundon a roster split between the three categories:Filip Forsberg (+6.5 FENWICK) - Tyler Seguin (+3.5 SHARP) - Brock Boeser (+4.7 SHARP) Gabriel Landeskog (+8.5 FENWICK) - Adam Henrique (+3.7 CORSI) - Leon Draisaitl (+5.6 SHARP) Tom Wilson (+4.3 CORSI) - Alex Wennberg (+7.5 FENWICK) - Blake Wheeler (+3.8 CORSI) Marcus Foligno (+3.4 CORSI) - Elias Lindholm (+5.6 FENWICK) - Andre Burakovsky (+3.4 FENWICK) Roman Josi (+7.4 FENWICK) - Erik Karlsson (+6.8 FENWICK) Shea Weber (+4.5 CORSI) - Kris Letang (+7.2 SHARP) Brady Skjei (+4.6 SHARP) - Erik Gudbranson (+3.9 CORSI) Henrik Lundqvist (+8.2 SHARP) Braden Holtby (+3.6 CORSI) Proud of themselves, but feeling somewhat uncomfortable, the analytics team printed out this list and called Dundon to come back and retrieve it.When he arrived he looked at it and smiled "Great work, alright, and this algorithm is all loaded on the computer over there?""Yes sir""Okay great, thanks guys, you're fired, best wishes"As each of the analysts grumpily gathered their laptops and Funko Pops into cardboard boxes and left PNC Arena, Dundon folded the list into a paper airplane and yelled "Hey Don! You still work for me?"The veteran manager walked into the office. "Yes, Tom, I still do."Dundon fired the paper airplane directly at Waddell's forehead and it fell to the floor. "This is a list of players, I'm gonna need you to trade for these guys ASAP, got it?"Waddell muttered through gritted teeth something like "...never in Atlanta...""Oh yeah you turtle-looking motherfucker? Well why don't you go and work for them then? You're fired, fuckface."By the end of the day, Dundon had fired everyone he could find in the building. Then he sat down at the computer that had the handsomeness algorithm loaded onto it. Google Chrome was open. These fuckers had been using the internet at work? He wished he could fire them again. But he noticed the website on the screen."What the hell is HFBoards?"_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Part IIThis site was incredible - Dundon didn't realize there were so many hockey fans. But here they all were, speculating on rumours, constructing rosters, and, most incredibly, proposing trades. He had been paying out the ass all year for front office staff and yet there were thousands of people on this website coming up with trades for free. He felt like a kid on Christmas morning - receiving gifts without having to give anything to anyone else. He completely forgot about the handsomeness list he'd asked for just a few hours before.Just then a social media intern who had been in the washroom when he dismissed the rest of her department poked her head into the room. Dundon immediately tried to fire her (he knew how to use Twitter, why was he paying someone to do it?) but it turned out she actually wasn't getting paid anything. So he recruited her to a new project."I need you to record every trade proposal our fans have made on this website this summer."And she did.1. Justin Faulk for Antti Raanta 2. James Riemer for Martin Jones (1 million retained) 3. Warren Foegele and a 2nd for Nikita Gusev "That's it? Alright well hold on, I'll get these done quick then."But when he called that lanky dork in Arizona whose name he couldn't remember and offered him the first deal, he was hung up on immediately. The same thing happened twice more."What the hell is going on?""Well," the intern started, "it seems like our fans might overvalue our players a bit.""We made the fucking third round, all our players should have value out the ass! How am I supposed to know how much I can get for these guys?""Well, there's a kind of thread on this forum called 'Value Of:' where you name a player and people tell you what they'd be willing to trade for them.""Perfect, make one of those and I'll start hitting the phones."​Edmonton Oilers @OilersNHLTRADE ALERT: The #Oil acquire D Dougie Hamilton from the #Canes in exchange for Jesse Puljujarvi and Kris Russell​Toronto Maple Leafs @MapleLeafs#Sportschek Transaction Alert: Maple Leafs have acquired D Brett Pesce, RW Teuvo Teravainen, and C Martin Necas from the Hurricanes in exchange for RW Mitch Marner​"This is so easy, no one's even trying to negotiate with me! I can't believe I kept that old fuck around for so long."​Montreal Canadiens @CanadiensMTLWELCOME TO MONTREAL @SebastianAho!#Habs receive C @SebastianAho in exchange for C Max Domi, D Cale Fleury, and a 2020 1st.Les #Habs reçoivent Sebastian Aho en échange de Max Domi, Cale Fleury et un choix de 1er ronde.​Vancouver Canucks @sabresWE HAVE A TRADE TO ANNOUNCE #GoCanucksGoCanucks have acquired RW Andrei Svechnikov from @NHLCanes in exchange for D Chris Tanev and a 2020 2nd round pick​Buffalo Sabres @sabresSabres have acquired D Jaccob Slavin from CAR for RW Sam Reinhart​Pittsburgh Penguins @penguinsThe Penguins have acquired D Trevor van Riemsdyk for D Jack Johnson #letsgopensEpilogueThat fall, the fans at PNC Arena thought they were buying tickets to hockey games, but what they got was even more impressive: a one-man show. They would hear Tom Dundon announce the starting lineups ("Why am I playing some asshole to read a script?") and sing the national anthem. ("This isn't a fucking talent show, and people say I have a great voice.") They'd see him run up and down the aisles serving popcorn and drinks, and even interact with children as the new mascot ("Look kid, you want a fuckin' high five or not? Okay, quit hugging me you fuckin' perv."). Long after the games were done, an exhausted Dundon could be found sweeping up trash. It almost wasn't worth it. But at the end of the night, when he looked at the balance sheet and the single employee expense - the NHL had refused his request to drive the Zamboni himself - he was filled with a quiet comfort.As the team tumbled down the standings, Dundon barely noticed. He didn't have much time to watch the games anyway, and he only looked at the scoreboard when one of the pixels went out and he had to fix it. But there came a point, with the season finally done, when he realized that he had barely had a second of free time all year. His hair was turning white from a lack of sleep. Worst of all, there hadn't been anyone to fire in months. But then he realized something else. As he walked into the bathroom with a mop, he stared at his gaunt face in the mirror, took a deep breath and whispered"You're fired"He suddenly felt an exhilarating freedom wash over him. Then he put down his mop, walked outside, breathed in fresh air for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, and just began to walk. He was never seen again.​Next time: Jim Rutherford decides to deal with his Tom Wilson problem once and for all. (OC) Dundon DIYs the Hurricanes (An Alternate Reality) Source